Self Destruction

Chaotic thoughts, explosions, loud booms,
All this in a quiet room,
The journey of a boy to a man,
Got Damn I need help but know one can lend a hand,
In the still of night I lay alone,
Even if she's by my side and we're in her home,
I'm still rolling solo on my journey,
Praying that there isn't thoughts to burn me,
In the after life...
I've began the process of breaking down,
Explosions and chaos but I'm still in a room where there's no sound,
Traumatic brain injury so there's no saving me,
But God has me, so he has faith me,
Confused from my failures so I write the realest written letter,
To myself since the world wouldn't notice my better,
Well best times, they just criticize my worst,
Laugh at my book of rhymes, and cry next to my Hurst,
Bury my body but remember my image,
This is the beginning of the end so let's start the scrimmage,
Still breaking down with the chaos and no sound,
No tears, one fear, I look up then look around,
He's still watching me and no one else is here,
I'm always alone even when so called friends are near,
Hopefully when I get through the destruction of my temple I'm recreated into something well respected,
An angel in disguise of something unexpected,
So as I write my signature to this letter to myself, I'll leave one drop of blood on the page,
To remind myself of something else from the heart, when I finished acting out in rage...

She Gives Me Power

Conquering all, but I feel so small,

But when she flows through my system I feel so tall,

Not physically, but mentally,

Spiritual strength, guess its meant for me,

She gave me power...

I can't control her, but I get hotter,

So I cool off with understanding but I can't stop her,

So powerful so it can't be the strength of a man,

And she got me looking right like she pitched from the left stands,

Her touch has me tense,

Relaxed and convinced,

She's so sweet like Mary Jane,

Given a double meaning I can't complain,

Got me high off her aroma,

Hungry enough to want to roam her,

With my tongue, well my mouth to feed my mind,

Non-sexually but I hope she comes on time,

When I'm feeling down she comes around,

Not too close but I hear her sound,

When I'm happy I feel her in my veins,

Like a drug she proclaims,

My actions and satisfactions, until I am rapping,

And tapping up a rhyme scheme and an audience is clapping...

I have to take a deep breathe,

Who or what am I chasing,

Who or what has my mind racing,

I remember now,

I can only describe the sound,

I can only describe the scenery around,

Because it hasn't happened yet, at least I hope,

My dreams I mean, but if not I will need the strength to cope...

I Wasn't Invited Yet (Hard Ball)

Wow... I'm sweating her and she hasn't even invited me to play,

Got me watching competition and coming short on things to say,

I just walked in the gym where she has her own team,

She's out of my league and my fascination isn't matching my dream,

My dreams seem impossible the way her defense plays the game,

My two's fall over the rim and my three's do the same,

The only shots I've made around her were free throws,

Well foul shots I hope she doesn't think I'm weak though,

Hopefully I won't miss her next try out, and its over in my house,

I need the home court advantage, taking shots to become her spouse,

Well that's the grand scheme like the Nba playoffs,

Marriage would be the championship but that means no days off,

So many games until then so I have to take it slow,

Damn I'm crushing hard so it must be clear and shows,

Now I have to play it cool, don't be taken for a fool,

Play pro ball unlike the games played in high school,

Wow... She got me sweating and I wasn't even invited to play,

Hooping shorts, jordans and t-shirt are on maybe I can be invited sometime today.

The Beauty Beside Me

Introduced to study myself,

Psychological lesson not pertained to wealth,

Keeping my mind enslaved to capture the beauty,

Outside of my mind, because I thought that I knew me,

Then it hit me,

Someone else will give me,

Happiness if I worked for it, no way would it skip me,

Pure, untamed, prenamed with no shame,

So close, but so far, I'm lost in her game,

With I girl I haven't met, or fully met, and only time will tell,

Hopefully she's already known, so things can go well,

Because she'll be too intelligent to be played,

Not caught up on my waves,

And her beauty will be unconditional so it cannot be weighed,

So it flows inside and out, without a doubt,

I hear it shout, on silent I still feel her clout,

But if she's not known, I wonder where we'd meet,

Will she trip and fall into my arms, will we smile when we greet,

Each other, or will I be too caught up on another,

That she won't bother, just give me the side eye under cover,

Well from a distance, with persistence, with no delivery,

Sacrificing her feelings for someone else but waiting for only me,

Hopefully I won't be too blind, to see her actions,

And my heart is open and willing to fulfill her satisfactions,

Hopefully I can open my mind to think the things she enjoys,

I'll work for her love if her heart has me employed,

Pain and pleasure will only create the heights,

While our lows will seem out of sight,

I think that maybe I'm too into things that seem unknown,

But I'm still waiting for the calling of love and I'm still watching my phone....

Dear Woman...

Dear woman,
You're filled with so much compassion,
A little attention is all you're asking,
Beautiful inside and beauty you reflect,
So why couldn't HE give you respect,

I'm in love with more than one,
Well I have love love for all of them,
Looking for my type,
But I want to do all of them right,

Too many to entertain for the night,
I guess I have to flee out of sight,
I can't just keep telling jokes,
You fear of needing to cope,

From being hurt by the wrong guy,

Or the right guy,

So your in defense from the first hi,
I break your guard by being myself,
Trying to be your friend and nothing else,

You're willing to give in but I don't no where it will lead,
Too honest just to leave,
I want what you have to offer but I would be like HE,
Well him, or all the others before me,

Or all the girls with offers, I will be blinded by their glory,

But seeing without the lights,
Meaning just sex night after night,
I'm not afraid to be honest, I guess that's where I stand apart,
I can be your friend and your man, and gain your trust from the start,

Well I wish I could,

See I'm not just that guy from the hood,
And in your eyes I must be too good,
Or too bad, well something you never had,
Open with both arms but still in defense from your past,

I'm playing offense all alone, but guarded by your home,
Friends, and the company you keep, so I'm left to often roam,
Then I'm misjudged because I won't sit still,
Gambling love in poker but the black jack man has to deal,

So I'm not even in the right game,
I know her face but I won't say her name,
So ashamed of a crime I didn't do,
I want to cry but I won't subdue,
To the challenges of chances to be so true,

To you and for you, I'm just a man and here I stand,
With all my pride I will show you a true man,
Woman... I understand everything you hate,
I just seek guidance to your heart and mind ,

But until then all I can do is wait....

Saved By The Cool

Mixing and matching different styles,

Following trends for the smiles,

Trying to catch the attention of one,

But I didn't know it had begun

I was riding the wave,

In my hair, but I turned the page,

To the chapter of my life when I seem center-stage,

Surrounded by many, only knowing a few,

Catching the overflow of friends from my silent days of two,

My style matured rapidly although my body was still young,

Writing style graduated, although my youngest days went unsung,

No celebrity,

Popularity seemed to have grabbed me,

But denial was there so... you can say that it had me,

I guess this seems like a confession,

Although it is...

It's more so a lesson,

More as a blessing in desiguise,

Like the writing poet but it came from failed tries,

Trials, attempts, and so close to giving in,

Many times I felt I couldn't win,

I wanted to run away,

Stressed so much I thought I'd see gray,

I gave up on the wedding bells for the month of May,

Too many haters for her beauty to try to stay,

An accepted outcast,

I thought I wouldn't last,

But I'm still around and I've learned from my past,

The present is teaching me,

While the future dreams of reaching me,

Bad ways are forever seeking me,

But I won't give in easily,

I'll just keep faith,

When cold I won't shake,

I'll use my anger to warm me up,

Trace my rage to storm me up,

Battle my obstacles until I form and erupt,

But I'll do it silently,

Hoping success will confide to me,

End the struggle by breaking the chain,

Thanks Dr. Akbar, I will open my brain,

And those around me so we will all proclaim,

The glory we look for and want to maintain,

I've done it,

I've gone inside myself and found the solution,

To the problem of myself... let me start my distribution!

Suicide Girls

Innocent ways, but confused from previous lies,

Upset that he's honest and not tired from tries,

Wanting a little more but too afraid to ask,

In need of more attention but she thinks he'll pass,

He's aware of her fear but, he won't approach it,

Anger and rage are quick to come out so he won't provoke it,

Still looking at him from a distance but wanting him near,

Not knowing his reactions so she just names her tears,

Friends ask her about him and she gives them one of two stories,

Either "I love him too much" or "I think he ignores me"

But she doesn't take the time to question his thoughts,

She just judges his facial expressions and assumes his sought,

of non-interest,

But she feels like a mistress,

To a single man, who she thinks women praise him like a Jehovah witness,

Her head fills with nonsense and she begins to vent,

Letting her imagination take over, she's no longer content,

No longer does she see him as someone she likes,

He becomes something she needs and loves, so she's willing to fight,

Herself or anyone else who stands in her way,

She begins to hate herself and doesn't eat for a day,

Then two days go by and all she can do is cry,

But she does so much that her eyes are forever dry,

Time passes, she becomes ill, but he's her boo,

Well at least in her mind but at the time he's with someone new,

Still going days without consuming food and her friend becomes the moon,

She feels hate towards the rising and falling of the sun that she sees too soon,

More time passes and that guy she was in love with gets married,

She wanted to attend the wedding but was already buried,

Because the night before the wedding her anger and rage came out to stay,

For her love was too strong for her and took away her day,

Well life,

So no longer does she urge to fight,

But she now watches him from out of sight,

So far away from him now, and he she went a way alone,

Only thing that's left from her is her remains in front of a stone....